Wisconsin Newspaper Embarrasses Entire Midwest With Ranch Ranking

***FOR MIDWESTERN EYES ONLY***

Hey guys. I love being from the Midwest. We're nice. I think, as a whole, we're pretty reasonable. We don't have an accent. It's pretty cool.

Can we talk about the whole ranch thing?

I get it. It's pleasant. Comfortable. Easy even. I love it.

Here's the secret though. Everyone likes ranch. I mean literally everyone. Coast to coast, border to border. Ranch is everywhere and no one ever complains.

You know how we make fun of Utah for liking Jell-O? The rest of the world says the same thing about the Midwest and ranch. Let's take a quick look at the internet:

That took me 45 seconds to find. I don't like being the butt of these jokes, especially when they're not even funny.

It's fine to like ranch, just maybe don't lean into it so much like these people:

Just mix it up once in a while. Sriracha is nice. Have you guys heard about peanut sauce? That stuff is good.

Let's try to get known for another food. How about corn? I mean Iowa already is so that's convenient.

If you're having trouble giving up the ranch watch this quick inspiring scene from the classic 80s film Mr. Mom.

If Kenny can give up his Woobie you can do anything.

***Midwestern meeting adjourned***