‘Bachelorette’ Recap: Never Underestimate the Power of a Pretty Cry
This week on The Bachelorette: Meat-hoarding revenge monster Chad left the harem, but not before returning one last time to...get his stuff, I guess? And to spook the guys by sliding his hands down the glass-front door like a horror movie villain, which I enjoyed. Most likely it's so he can have one final standoff with the other guys, which is exactly what happens when Jordan tries to engage him.
"You all put me in a position for me to stay thing that I normally wouldn’t say," is Chad's attempt at a rationalization. The ol' ‘look what you made me do’ defense! Bye now, Chad. See you on a lower-tier reality show sometime down the road.
The best part of Chad's departure is the "funeral" the contestants hold for him, in which they scatter his precious protein powder like ashes. My true love Wells remembers Chad as "arguably the worst person anyone has ever met." James Taylor insists on guitar-strumming through the festivities, naturally.
Meanwhile back in the woods, Alex and JoJo make out, luxuriating in their Chad-free lifestyle. When Alex returns to the house they literally hoist him on their shoulders, and then…shove his face into a plate of cupcakes? Is this a military custom?
Over the course of the episode, the remaining contestants soon realize Chad was a paper tiger they could unite against, and now that he's gone this is WAR. On JoJo's end, she displays a near-uncanny ability to go from 0-to-hysterical crying when backed into a corner. It's safe to say this episode lowered my already iffy opinion on JoJo's personality. More on this later.
At the latest and especially glitzy cocktail hour, JoJo delivers a speech about how Chad "wasn’t what I thought he’d be" (what on earth did he give you the impression that he was?) and says she truly "respects" all of the guys. Phew.
Next comes the quality time: JoJo and Chase run at each other while encased in plastic bubbles, because The Bachelor/Bachelorette loves manufacturing "fun" moments. Robby plants one on JoJo while the gang gawks through a window. James F. reads her a poem, which is yikes, and Alex interrupts before JoJo gets the chance to make stuff up about how good the poem is. Luke — who, along with Robby, is in it to win it HARD this week — squeezes JoJo's knee and busts out an "I’m falling for you" speech.
Then Jordan backs JoJo up against a (very thin) wall, and they French while everybody else sits in stony silence on the other side of that wall, listening. What a weird party.
In the first of two rose ceremonies, Daniel the wild-eyed Canadian and James F. get cut loose.
“I got a better chance of being struck by lightning…while….shaving my face.” Stay quotable, Daniel!
JoJo and the remaining contestants head off to Uruguay, where JoJo takes clear front-runner Jordan on an enviable boat trip date, in which they SWIM WITH SEALS. But nothing distracts from how dull JoJo and Jordan are together. Looks-wise and intellect-wise they're well matched, but their chemistry is a black hole of bland.
JoJo confronts Jordan about meeting his ex, who told her “he wasn’t the best person to date.” Don’t a lot of people say that about their exes, though? Jordan says he didn’t cheat, he was just “immature” and flirted with other girls too much. He also says his pastor once told him he should never tell a woman he loves her until he’s “ready to put a ring on her finger,” which feels like advice more useful in a bygone era where people only lived to be 45 or so, but to each his own. This answer satisifies JoJo, and the Tallest-Hair Man on Earth gets another rose.
Back at the hotel, Vinny's set up some sort of makeshift barbershop, and his contestant-customers are fuming over Jordan. Then they pass around one of “Vinny's gossip magazines” (ha: the Bachelorette producers would NEVER let cast members get their hands on outside media unless it was on purpose). An In Touch story informs them that JoJo’s ex, yet another Chad, alleges that they were seeing each other throughout The Bachelor; everyone wonders if SHE's the one who isn't there for the right reasons.
When JoJo returns from the date, she says nothing can ruin her vibe right now — which is when a producer plops the In Touch issue in her lap.
"Why are you showing me this?" she asks. To showcase your pretty-cry skills, maybe?
Insisting her ex is evil and she DID love The Bachelor's Ben, JoJo blubbers her way into the contestant’s hotel room hang, and convinces them (with her tears) that her ex-boyfriend made everything up. Crisis averted, I guess!
Wells, who owns my heart, seems the only one bemused by JoJo's histrionic evasion tactics.
After a dumb "sand surfing" group date, Robby gets asked on a one-on-one. Later, during the evening’s Uruguay-casual cocktail party, sharp-nosed Luke tells her he doesn’t care what anyone thinks, he knows this feeling in his heart is real. At first it seems like JoJo's a little tuned out while he talks (it seems like that kind of often), but she puts her head on his chest, signaling approval.
It’s all couch cuddles 'n smooches the rest of the night, largely without incident, until JoJo gives her group-date rose to Derek, saying he needs “reassurance.” Sexy? Alex is so mad. He tells the camera he wouldn't even WANT a “pity rose," so there!
The next morning, JoJo is on a beach cavorting with a dog. Where did this dog come from? Robby approaches and they leave the mysterious, possibly wild dog behind. As they spoon standing up and jump off a cliff in an act of orchestrated whimsy (“he makes me feel ALIVE!”), the other dudes worry and fret together back at the hotel. Alex is still stewing over Derek’s “pity rose” like a real weirdo. Isn’t this really misdirected anger at JoJo’s lame speech?
This episode’s sole legitimately serious moment comes when Robby tells JoJo that his best friend’s recent-ish death made him rethink his whole life: His job, his girlfriend of four years, everything. This is as good a justification for dumping his girlfriend (who Chad now claims to be dating) right before The Bachelorette as there could possibly ever be, but he tests me when he follows it up by telling JoJo he loves her. I have to say: It seems a little manic four weeks in.
“I feel adored, I feel cherished, I feel secure. I feel like I could see myself falling in love with him.” Tepid or romantic? You be the judge.
Oh, but wait: Derek is actually kind of a dick. Right before the cocktail/rose ceremony, he calls Alex, Jordan, Robbie and a few others outside to say he feels like they’re being cliqueish or something. Jordan deems these dramatics uncouth right before the ritualistic cocktail party; fair enough.
But plot twist — JoJo’s SEEN ENOUGH and she'd like to cut straight to the rose ceremony. Not two, but three men are sent packing: Evan, Vinny and Grant. Did you know that no black contestant on either The Bachelor or The Bachelorette has ever lasted longer longer than five weeks? I'll miss you, level-headed Grant.
Vinny seems very emotional for someone who spoke to JoJo directly less than three times, and barely even went on a group date. At least he's still got a promising side career as DJ VINSANE.
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